Comments on: Modern Marriage

By: NaBloPoMo Wrap-Up « A Patchwork Life: writing, teaching, learning more each day

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 15:29:56 +0000

[...] I looked back on the year’s posts, I saw some great ones, where I tackled an issue and presented my side, reviewed a book or movie that was important or interesting to me, or when I [...]

By: 2009: A Recap « A Patchwork Life: writing, teaching, learning more each day

2009: A Recap « A Patchwork Life: writing, teaching, learning more each day — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 20:30:43 +0000

[...] August, I read and thought about modern marriage, and introduced my girls to Project Runway. We went on our first all-girls camping trip, I had a [...]

By: jackie

jackie — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 17:24:13 +0000

That is certainly the big question– the whole exercise was definitely a tightrope act, and though she was validated, what if she hadn’t been? I think she would answer that she would still know that she had acted in the best interests of everyone involved, and given him every fair chance she could, which is an admirable goal too.

By: elswhere

elswhere — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 17:15:27 +0000

Oh, absolutely– if her husband had known there was a deadline, it would have been a threat hanging over him, and that would have affected how they both reacted. She had to decide for herself what she could deal with, and keep it to herself. The really hard part, I’m thinking, would have been if she’d hit that six-month deadline: did she know what she’d do then?

By: jackie

jackie — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 16:58:12 +0000

Elswhere, I was trying to describe it to a friend of mine, and she thought the six-month deadline was important too, but we both thought also that it was crucial that her husband didn’t know there was a deadline, which goes along with your thread on paying attention to her own needs, not just his.

I went through similar job angst when I decided to quit adjuncting, which was a disappointment, I think, to my mentors/boss and also a little bit to myself. But was I really disappointed with my choice? Absolutely not– I know it was the right decision for me. So why let some phantom disappointing figures affect me? Yes, woo-woo, but there’s a reason that woo-woo can be so compelling. We can only affect our own actions and reactions, not those of others, whether the realm of marriage or careers, and all that jazz.

By: elswhere

elswhere — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 16:37:47 +0000

I read that article too, and many (surely not all by now) of the slew of comments it inspired. There was a lot of admiration for the author, but also a fair amount of skepticism and dislike for what some saw as her passive aggressive/martyred stance.

A few people noticed the part that stuck out for me: she gave herself a six-month deadline. She wasn’t prepared to keep her “I don’t buy it”/”what can we do to accommodate your needs” position forever; if her husband hadn’t come back to the family after six months (in fact, it took only four months), she would do something else (start divorce proceedings, I guess; or maybe therapy, or just something different.) She was paying attention to her own needs and capabilities, not just her husband’s.

The other part I took inspiration from, and that informed her stance, was that she had recently decided to take 100% responsibility for her own happiness. That phrase resonated with me and I’ve been thinking about it a lot, especially in view of all the job angst I’ve been going through. What if, instead of gnashing my teeth and willing a better job to come up, something over which I have very little control, I took 100% responsibility for my own happiness, right now? Doesn’t mean I won’t apply and do my best when something is posted, but that I won’t give one or two organizations, which by definition don’t have my best interests as one of their priorities, that kind of power over my own internal state. It’s kind of woo-woo but I’m finding it helpful.

By: jackie

jackie — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 21:45:39 +0000

LSM, I think the question of passion vs. stability in marriages is certainly one for the ages, and it’s a very interesting wrinkle to think about whether devotion can balance a more tempestuous side. Some partnerships can’t function without that kind of storminess, and so it “just” seems like a question of keeping that ballast once the kids are grown. Verrrrrry interesting .

By: Lone Star Ma

Lone Star Ma — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 13:19:47 +0000

I am looking forward to seeing the movie even more, now and that column is very interesting. My husband and I have, on the one hand, one of those stormy, passionate attractions that are not particularly stable or happy-making if they are all you’ve got, but, on the other hand, a deep devotion to raising these wonderful kids together and a joy in sharing it. The two balance each other out very well, I think, but I sometimes wonder if we will be able to find another such deeply satisfying mutual goal once the kids are grown to balance out our passionate sides. I can’t really imagine us without the kids at this juncture. It will be interesting.

By: jackie

jackie — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 02:14:04 +0000

The one upside so far of my husband being in law school is that I get dedicated hours of quiet time. Of course, it’s four nights a week, and by the end of the second night, I’m wishing he was home. The constant push-pull of family and married life.

“Gracious” is an interesting word….

By: Tammy Gillmore

Tammy Gillmore — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:32:45 +0000

At our house, I occasionally have to have “Tammy Time”…time just for me. The way our work schedules are, my husband gets his while we are all at school, so he understands when I start telling I am jealous of his quiet time!

Don’t know that I would be as gracious as the lady in the article, though! Hhuumm, such a unique perspective…