The physical signs were clear for months–the fatigue alternating with periods of insomnia, the joint pain and stiffness, the hoarse throat and much more– and even the emotional seem obvious to me now, the erratic oscillation from anxiety to depression and back again. But it was only when my mind felt threatened, when I started losing some of what I see as crucial abilities that define my identity in meaningful ways–my ability to concentrate on, comprehend and interpret text, to focus on challenging literature for long periods of time, to produce pieces of writing myself, to feel inspired to create and write in response to what’s happening around me and to me, to hear an argument and form a response, to actively participate in intellectual discourse–when these abilities started to weaken, and even disappear, is also when I finally took some action, saw a doctor, and began treatment.
Early on, my husband asked me how I was feeling, and I said, “Sharper.” I meant this as a positive thing, that my mind was seeming capable of catching ideas on its sharp edges again, or able to cut through a dense text or argument and dissect it, perhaps. But I found myself thinking also about the opposite of sharp, of blunted and dull, two words that also describe how I had been feeling mentally. I value that sharpness about myself, even though it is too much of a cutting edge, and I find myself deliberately sheathing it when to wield might also be to injure. But to have lost it forever? Unfathomable.
On one of those early days when I felt myself feeling sharper, I also overextended myself, jumping eagerly into blogging, grading, lesson planning, discussing poetry and then feeling extreme mental fatigue and headachiness. It’s not often in my life that I feel a kinship with pro athletes, but that day I did, so desperate to rebound after an injury to the most central part of myself, the part of me around which I’ve built my sense of self, a weakness that felt so threatening, much more than serious physical injuries I’ve sustained. When I’ve broken a limb or had major surgery, I’m frustrated that I can’t do everything I want to do, but I don’t question whether I’m still myself the way I have recently. It’s an incredible amount of patience that’s required, to let yourself heal enough to be fully yourself again.
I wouldn’t have written or published this post if I weren’t feeling better, but I still have a long way to go. I know I’m learning important lessons about paying close attention to my body, and about understanding when I need to push myself and when I need to step back. I know I’m very lucky that this disorder can be easily treated, and that I have the means to do so. I know it’s good to recognize what small adjustments I can make to my mood and health by being in the sunshine, listening to music I love, writing it all down, and taking long walks.
But even despite everything I know to be true, this feeling of being unsettled, disoriented, continues to linger, to cloud my vision and trouble my heart.
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Jackie, I don’t actually know what “this disorder” is, but I’m glad that you’re doing better and taking good care of yourself.
WN, I tagged the name of it at the bottom of the post–it’s Hashimoto’s disease, an autoimmune disorder of the thyroid gland.
Ah — I actually have the same condition, although fortunately mine just chugs along basically the same way year in and year out, easily managed by levothyroxine.
… BUT — just yesterday I was posting on my blog about being exhausted all the time. It occurs to me, in light of your post, that if I go to the doctor in a week or two to get my blood tested for iron levels, I may have it tested for thyroid levels as well. Hmm.
Anyway, I’m glad that you’re getting treatment and doing better!
I’m hoping mine will also chug along, easily managed! Have been taking the Synthroid for a little under two weeks, feeling some difference but not yet totally feeling “myself.” Wishing I had gone to the doctor’s at least six months ago, but not crying over spilled milk, etc etc.
I didn’t know about the Hashimoto–I’m glad you are doing better and hope things chug along this way for a long time to come.
Alissa, I just got diagnosed a few weeks ago, so I’m still figuring it all out as I go. Wishing I had gone months ago, but the signs can be hard to piece together as a pattern unless you take the time to stop and think about it (which clearly, I didn’t).
So glad you’re feeling better! I know it’s scary to find out you have a disorder but also good to find out that you can treat it and get back to your usual self!
Sorry Jackie, the above post is mine.
Thanks so much, Marilin!
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Glad you figured it out and are feeling better!
Hugs, and I’m glad you’re feeling better!
Hi Jackie! I hope by now you’re starting to feel better! Being on Synthroid (or its generic equivalent) is a gentle balancing act! I’m a thyroid cancer survivor and MUST have some generic thyroid meds because I have no thyroid. I find that every time I have some kind of life change (I change jobs, start school, move homes, etc) my medication levels must change, too. I am telling you this because I know that doctors don’t always equate life changes (even minor ones) with needing the change med levels and you may need to push to get bloodwork done more often that your doc would normally prescribe!
I know many people living and thriving with Hashimoto’s and once things are in balance for you, you’ll feel much better! Remember to take time for YOU because teaching and family can take over! Hugs from the west coast!
Thanks so much, Jody! That is a good tip about knowing when to ask for levels. Taking time for me is definitely something I am going to try and work on more–maybe the silver lining to all this after all.
I can so relate. I endured a myriad of symptoms but when I witnessed the cognitive deterioration I badgered physicians to find out what was wrong. It took quite a bit to have it diagnosed as thyroid producing a chronic encephalopathy. I so understand the days of mental sharpness and lunging into an overload of text and now I have learnt to limit text-based activities. I have a daily brain budget. Thank you for this post.
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